Gov. Richard's Man Crush on Obama: Typical White Person T-Shirt

“There’s something special about this guy,” Governor Richardson said as he announced his support for Barack Obama. “I’ve been trying to figure it out, but it’s very good.”

Two words, governor: Man crush.

Just the way Michael Scott used to get all giddy around Ryan the temp, any semblance of common sense you may have possessed went out the window the first time you caught a whiff of Obama's aftershave. You dumped your old girlfriend, Hillary, like the political skank she is. Then, like the least pretty cheerleader on the squad, you threw yourself at the hunky freshman quarterback who hadn't even tossed a pass in a league game yet.

Well governor, you've had your 15 minutes of fame. I hope it was worth it.

Now on to important things.

Inspired by the prophet of our time, Barack Obama, my wife and I have designed a t-shirt that caputures one of his most inspiring phrases, "Typical white person." That pretty much describes me and, I'm guessing, you. We're hoping that our shirt will garner enough enthusiastic support to make middle class white folks everywhere forget smiley faces, Che Guevara and Hollister.

But for you, the highly favored readers of this blog, both of you, we have a special treat. When we submitted our design, we had to give it a name and make a few comments about it. I came up with four variations. Here they are:

• Plain and Proud of It. Typical, but not stereotypical! We may be the western world's fastest fading unethic majority, but we still have a lot to be proud of.
  
• Melanin Shmelanin! Favored by employers and policy makers for years, the typical white person may be be temporarily out of style, but we'll be back, baby!
  
• Hold the Pigment! Save money, hire the typical white person, the generic Homo Sapien!
  
• Proud To Be Pale. Just like ethic people, but without the garish skin pigmentation and melodious speech patterns.
  

Unfortunately, the folks at Threadless.com thought our entry was really just "word" shirt and didn't have complicated enough art. We may resubmit it as a type only entry. So, your challenge is to let me know which of the above witticisms would go best under "Typical White Person" on a t-shirt.

Flash: Dems Criticize Bush! Dolphins Just Love Plastic Wal-Mart Bags!

I am beginning to think I can't trust my hometown newspaper, The Santa Rosa Press Democrat, which is owned by the New York Times. (Please excuse me while I take a moment to run and get a mop to wipe up all the sarcasm dripping from that last sentence...there, now I can continue.)

I poured over a story the other day that the PD picked up from the LA Times (bad idea) headlined, "Bush's Grasp of Crisis Questioned: Critics Say President Needs to Pay More Attention to Economy." I'll give you a few moments to recover from the incredible impact of that extraordinarily deep insight.

http://www1.pressdemocrat.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080318/WIRE/803180424/1033/NEWS

But I started to read the article looking for the "critics." I read it twice. There was only one, maybe two "critics": the, ahem, unbiased Barney Frank and Jack Reed, both just every-so-slightly liberal democrats. (Excuse me again. Mop time.)

I wonder what reporter Maura Reynolds's personal point of view is on this matter. We might get a clue when she writes--without attribution to any source--that comments Bush made "suggested a comparison to another disaster in which he was accused of acting too slowly: Hurricane Katrina." Gee, a little heavy handed do you suppose?

And another thing: did you read that for about 20 years now, "scientists" have been misquoting a study that supposedly connected marine mammal and avian deaths to plastic shopping bags? It turns out the study found that sea life is sometimes killed by discarded plastic fishing gear, not Wal-Mart bags. Somewhere the wording got twisted and an urban myth was born.

The problem is that greenies all through the civilized world are working their little knuckles to the bone to get the scourge of plastic bags banned forever, lest we destroy the fragile oceans.

The PD just reported that communities in my area are considering proposals to ban the bags, in part because they "remain dangerous to birds and marine life." Does anyone except me remember that German Nazi Joseph Goebbels said, "If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it."

The American press is proving Goebbels right every day.

It was Honolulu, not Harlem; Poehler Rescues Hillary

I'm thinking of releasing my delegates and throwing my support to the white Christian candidate: Barack Obama. If his mom is white, he's white. If being raised by a white single mother doesn't make him white, consider these facts: He grew up in Honolulu, not Harlem. He went to a high-priced private Christian school, Columbia University, and Harvard Law School. He's got to be white. Endemic, institutionalized racism prevents blacks from enjoying such a blessed life. Right?

Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up.

The big political news the last two weeks, of course, centered around Hillary's boost after winning in both Ohio and Texas. I think, all tolled, it drew her about a dozen votes closer to Barack. Then, last weekend, the two heavyweights duked it out in Wyoming with Barack winning back most of what Hillary gained the previous week.

The biggest winner through all this, however, is neither Hillary nor Barack, but Saturday Night Live which has emerged as the only Saturday political network TV series with any influence on the people of this great nation. Forget the fossilized network political talking-torso shows. Ten thousand words of serious political pundit commentary doesn't sway voters nearly as much as one good SNL spit take.

In no more than five minutes, SNL cast member Amy Poehler made Hillary seem sympathetic and almost likable, a feat the real Hillary hasn't been able to pull off in 25 years. Hillary's real challenge will come this summer when SNL goes on hiatus and isn't there to sway the super-delegates just before the convention. Hillary might consider taking some of the dough Bill has made off his Arab connections and underwriting an extended SNL season. Bill could even play sax in the band. At least then Hillary would know where he was on Saturday nights. Hillary should also consider putting Poehler on the payroll so the comedian could hit the campaign trail at her side.

The Obama camp, on the other hand, has a huge problem. Fred Armisen, who plays Barack, isn't nearly as funny or appealing as Poehler. Al Sharpton should keep his mouth shut about the fact that a white actor is playing a black (or black-ish) man and turn his attention to the real display of NBC's rampant racism: Armisen's Obama is totally forgettable. Sharpton should amass his minions in front of 30 Rock with signs reading, "Armisen Must Go!" and chanting "1-2-3-4! Give Obama a real comic AC-TOR!”

Barackoholics Anonymous

Many of you who read this need help. Or you know someone who needs help. So I'm urging you to let down your guard. Set your pride aside and admit publicly that you are a Barackoholic. Come on, just say it:

"Hello, I'm [your name here], and I'm a Barakoholic."

There. Doesn't that feel better? You've taken the first step toward recovery. Congratulations.

Of course that's just the first step of my Twelve Step Program for Barackoholics, but honestly, the first step is the hardest. After you've taken this first step, tell someone. Especially tell other Barackoholics you know. They may not want to admit their problem, but you've seen the effect it is having on their lives. They swoon when their candidate thrusts his arms into the air and utters the word "change." Their finely honed sense of indignity disappears when their candidate is caught plagiarizing but unexpectedly reappears when their candidate is accused of plagiarizing.

I suppose, in the interest of future of our nation, I should outline all 12 steps here, but then few of you would buy my book, "I Used to be a Barakoholic and You Can Too! A 12-Step Program To Cure Your Addiction to a Meaningless, but Charismatic, Candidate."

Step two is quite problematic however because here the Barackoholics must come to believe that a power greater than themselves could restore them to sanity. Unfortunately this is exactly what they already believe, except that the "power greater than themselves" actually is Barack Obama. This leads to confusion. In my book, I lay out ways to overcome this difficulty. Although it is far too complicated to go into here, it suffices to say that when the real God of the universe spoke, unlike Barack Obama, He tended to go into specific details about His plans for the future.

It is my sincere hope that the legions of Barackoholics will soon turn to my program because it is far better to deal with this mind-numbing addiction now than to elect the man president and have to deal with it later. If we let this go much longer can you imagine the chaos when the American electorate has a sudden awakening and tries to deal with the requirements of step eight:

Make a list of all persons we have harmed, and be willing to make amends to them all.

I just don't think we'll have the time.