Over two-thirds of what you believe is wrong, 68.7 percent to be exact. Among the things most wrong are the things you believe that I would tend to disagree with. How do I know this? I polled myself last night. Well, wait. That doesn't sound the way I wanted it to sound. You may be getting the wrong, or another wrong idea. You're back up to 68.7 percent.
You may be asking yourself at this point something like, "Well, if more than two-thirds of what I believe is wrong, how can I know what things are in the less than one-third of things I know that are actually true?" You can't, and that's where I come in. I will now begin publishing ideas with a 100 percent not-wrong guarantee.
These ideas, while not obvious to the casual observer, are bedrock truth: Ideas, or notions, you could "bet the farm on," if you happen to be an absentee corporate farm owner looking off your penthouse balcony as you collect checks from the federal government for not growing anything that would help the current world food shortage, or at least enable people to buy more than 100 pounds of rice at Costco. But I digress.
My first surefire, take it to the bank idea: Giorgio Battistelli's opera of Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth," set to open at La Scala in 2011 will be viewed as a humorous retelling of a 2005 urban myth. The only person who will not understand this will be the production's director, Al Gore himself, whose totally straight, staid approach to staging and direction will put have the audience rolling in the aisles. Gore will be lauded as a "comic genius," finally receiving praise actually due.
Okay, one more. Despite her promise, Susan Sarandon will not move to Italy or America's cap if John McCain is elected president. And believe me folks, this is one where I wish I were wrong.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Friday, May 9, 2008
Come on Teddy! Take One for the Team!
I emailed John McCain the other day with a suggestion on health care. His health care initiative, and I use the word "initiative" in the loosest sense of the word, is a joke. He wants to give people $5000 to spend on their own health care, apparently to make them better consumers. How $5000 in the hands of people would suddenly result in a revamped and efficient health care system, I don't know.
I told McCain to attack the problem from the supply side instead of the demand side. Our country needs to increase the number of health care providers. Building more medical schools would be a legitimate role for the federal government. Fund more nursing programs. Establish a new level of health care professional that would deal with less critical health problems. Find a way to take advantage of army medics.
And because medical conditions get more expensive to treat the longer they are allowed to go without treatment, the feds should fund full body scans for everyone over the age of 40 or 50.
And while we're on the topic. Teddy, if your listening, it would really help promote your party's nationalized healthcare proposal if you'd get in line up in Canada or over in France to treat that brain tumor. Come on! Take one for the team!
I read that the University of Colorado at Boulder may establish an endowed position for a conservative thinker. Chancellor G.P. “Bud” Peterson realizes his campus is so far left that they need to do something to preserve intellectual diversity. And I use the word "preserve" here in the same way a natural history museum might preserve a virtually extinct salamander.
Listen to this comment from CU teaching assistant Curtis Bell: “Why set aside money specifically for a conservative? I’d rather see a quality academic than someone paid to have a particular perspective.”
Listen Curtis, that argument falls on deaf ears whenever conservatives use it to object to "minority" set asides, so why don't you just stick it in your ear?
The second writer's strike of the year is about to hit. Hillary and Barack are almost out of primaries. SNL executives are going off the deep end wondering where their really funny stuff will come from. Sure they'll still be able to pump out the lame "concept" skits, but the stuff that actually makes people laugh will be much harder to come by. Check out this clip. There's no way you can make this stuff up:
I told McCain to attack the problem from the supply side instead of the demand side. Our country needs to increase the number of health care providers. Building more medical schools would be a legitimate role for the federal government. Fund more nursing programs. Establish a new level of health care professional that would deal with less critical health problems. Find a way to take advantage of army medics.
And because medical conditions get more expensive to treat the longer they are allowed to go without treatment, the feds should fund full body scans for everyone over the age of 40 or 50.
And while we're on the topic. Teddy, if your listening, it would really help promote your party's nationalized healthcare proposal if you'd get in line up in Canada or over in France to treat that brain tumor. Come on! Take one for the team!
•••
I read that the University of Colorado at Boulder may establish an endowed position for a conservative thinker. Chancellor G.P. “Bud” Peterson realizes his campus is so far left that they need to do something to preserve intellectual diversity. And I use the word "preserve" here in the same way a natural history museum might preserve a virtually extinct salamander.
Listen to this comment from CU teaching assistant Curtis Bell: “Why set aside money specifically for a conservative? I’d rather see a quality academic than someone paid to have a particular perspective.”
Listen Curtis, that argument falls on deaf ears whenever conservatives use it to object to "minority" set asides, so why don't you just stick it in your ear?
•••
The second writer's strike of the year is about to hit. Hillary and Barack are almost out of primaries. SNL executives are going off the deep end wondering where their really funny stuff will come from. Sure they'll still be able to pump out the lame "concept" skits, but the stuff that actually makes people laugh will be much harder to come by. Check out this clip. There's no way you can make this stuff up:
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Fill 'er up with that stuff that worked so well for the Hindenburg
Poor Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Santa Monica city council may ban jets from landing at the local airport. Arnold uses that runway to commute to his day gig in Sacramento.
I saw Arnold on Leno last week touting Earth Day. The only thing green about Schwarzenegger is his money and the tie he wore on Leno. Why does he commute back and forth the length of the state on a daily basis in a private jet? Simple. He can afford to.
Schwarzenegger stomps around the formerly-golden state leaving his Terminator-sized carbon footprints everywhere, spending millions of taxpayers’ dollars to build hydrogen refueling stations for cars that exist mainly in his imagination, and calling for state-funded universal health care while the California budget is about $20 billion in the hole. Arnold, dip into that billion-dollar personal bank account, log onto eBay and see if Nero's violin is for sale.
•••
Am I the only person how has noticed that Rev. Jeremiah Wright and Pastor John Hagee have the same biblical perspective with regards to God’s judgment on the United States?
Wright said that God used the 9/11 terrorists to punish the United States for this country’s foreign policy. Hagee suggested God used Katrina to punish the United States for its unabashed homosexuality. The politics may be different, but the theology’s the same.
•••
With all the candidates clamoring to be on SNL, Hillary appearing with Bill O’Riley, and Obama’s endless Top 10 lists on Letterman, I think we should cap off this primary season not with another debate, but with a showdown on Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? Or if that is too intellectually taxing, have Clinton and Obama appear on Deal or No Deal and instead of money, pack the briefcases with superdelegates.
•••
With gasoline prices pushing $4.00 a gallon and crude oil going for more than $120 a barrel, I think it’s time the current fed chairman do to the hot crude oil market what his predecessor did to the hot stock market in 1996. Addressing the American Enterprise Institute, Alan Greenspan commenting on the steep rise in stock prices said, “But how do we know when irrational exuberance has unduly escalated asset values, which then become subject to unexpected and prolonged contractions…?”
If this crude oil market isn’t being driven by “irrational exuberance” you can run me down with a Prius. So-called economic growth in China and India doesn’t explain why crude has gone up from about $25 a barrel in 2001 to about $125 today. Speculators are running wild.
I also think a good case could be made that would place the blame for the steep increase in crude prices on the war in Iraq. In that case—and I’m no dove when it comes to the war—Americans are paying for the war three times over: with the lives of our young soldiers, with a ballooning budget deficit, and at the gas pumps.
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