A Cure for Being Wrong

Over two-thirds of what you believe is wrong, 68.7 percent to be exact. Among the things most wrong are the things you believe that I would tend to disagree with. How do I know this? I polled myself last night. Well, wait. That doesn't sound the way I wanted it to sound. You may be getting the wrong, or another wrong idea. You're back up to 68.7 percent.

You may be asking yourself at this point something like, "Well, if more than two-thirds of what I believe is wrong, how can I know what things are in the less than one-third of things I know that are actually true?" You can't, and that's where I come in. I will now begin publishing ideas with a 100 percent not-wrong guarantee.

These ideas, while not obvious to the casual observer, are bedrock truth: Ideas, or notions, you could "bet the farm on," if you happen to be an absentee corporate farm owner looking off your penthouse balcony as you collect checks from the federal government for not growing anything that would help the current world food shortage, or at least enable people to buy more than 100 pounds of rice at Costco. But I digress.

My first surefire, take it to the bank idea: Giorgio Battistelli's opera of Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth," set to open at La Scala in 2011 will be viewed as a humorous retelling of a 2005 urban myth. The only person who will not understand this will be the production's director, Al Gore himself, whose totally straight, staid approach to staging and direction will put have the audience rolling in the aisles. Gore will be lauded as a "comic genius," finally receiving praise actually due.

Okay, one more. Despite her promise, Susan Sarandon will not move to Italy or America's cap if John McCain is elected president. And believe me folks, this is one where I wish I were wrong.